So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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