sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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