Kiss
Puke
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
