I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
