Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
