ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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