He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
