I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
