This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
