Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
