I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize