Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Boobs are out for the taking
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize