Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
