So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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