Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
