Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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