Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
