I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
