Don't make out with my wife yet
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize