I met the friendliest cop last night
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize