nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
there is puke in my bra ... again
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