I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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