do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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