Your dad touched me again.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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