she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
