I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
