My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
