there's paper in my vomit.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
