Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
