those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
