I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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