So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
