I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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