last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
