I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
