Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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