You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
