a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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