Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
