I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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