Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
