Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
