Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize