Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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