Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
