I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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