Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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