Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
