I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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