I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
