the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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