The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
