I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
