somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
