His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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