I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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