ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
